This is one of the first times i've actually spoken out aloud about one of my biggest insecurities. i always knew it existed, but not actively thinking or talking about it, somehow made it easier to live with it, it was there, but not really there; and more often than not, it tended to fade into the background and wasnt a part of any conscious thought. But, suddenly (as most things tend to happen, nothing is ever preceded by a drum-roll, though that would make life a lot simpler, if you knew when to expect what...), in the middle of a completely arbit conversation, about someone else altogether, this is the first time it has made its presence felt, and felt how! Unthinking, unknowing, in the flow of the conversation (that i was dominating, as usual.. i need to start talking less, off late have ended up talking waaaay too much...) it just came out, out of nowhere, and i havent stopped thinking about it since.
They say, face your fears and they go away, talk about it and it feels better, hell no! Talking and thinking about it just makes it all much worse! "Ostrich-ing" (the latest verb we've coined for ignoring a problem and pretending it doesnt exist, until it actually goes away, ostrich style..) is probably the best way to deal with it. Ever since i decided to "talk" about it, practically every conscious decision is re-thought and related; and the justification (or more appropriately, the excuse) is that it is because of my "insecurity". And, now that she (with whom i was actually having is conversation, no, for once, wasnt talking to myself) knows, (she always knew, she said, but hadnt thought about it consciously, i mean why should she waste her time thinking about my insecurities, surely she has other more interesting things to do..), its even more awkward to think about it! Feels almost like i've been laid bare, exposed and vulnerable. She's someone i can trust completely, implicitly, with no questions, and probably isnt even thinking about it at all, but still.... coming to terms with the fact that she knows, and that i really know and have accepted that it is very much there, is pretty unnerving.
Now i guess the next step is to eliminate it altogether. A big part of facing your fears, they say, is that once you've accepted them, it is time to let them go and move on. Its probably ridiculous to still cling on to something that started out as a fascination and has now become a near-obsession and insecurity. Time to grow up!
Enough introspection methinks, time to think about something relevant and useful for once... why in the world arent my reactions working?!!
They say, face your fears and they go away, talk about it and it feels better, hell no! Talking and thinking about it just makes it all much worse! "Ostrich-ing" (the latest verb we've coined for ignoring a problem and pretending it doesnt exist, until it actually goes away, ostrich style..) is probably the best way to deal with it. Ever since i decided to "talk" about it, practically every conscious decision is re-thought and related; and the justification (or more appropriately, the excuse) is that it is because of my "insecurity". And, now that she (with whom i was actually having is conversation, no, for once, wasnt talking to myself) knows, (she always knew, she said, but hadnt thought about it consciously, i mean why should she waste her time thinking about my insecurities, surely she has other more interesting things to do..), its even more awkward to think about it! Feels almost like i've been laid bare, exposed and vulnerable. She's someone i can trust completely, implicitly, with no questions, and probably isnt even thinking about it at all, but still.... coming to terms with the fact that she knows, and that i really know and have accepted that it is very much there, is pretty unnerving.
Now i guess the next step is to eliminate it altogether. A big part of facing your fears, they say, is that once you've accepted them, it is time to let them go and move on. Its probably ridiculous to still cling on to something that started out as a fascination and has now become a near-obsession and insecurity. Time to grow up!
Enough introspection methinks, time to think about something relevant and useful for once... why in the world arent my reactions working?!!
No comments:
Post a Comment